Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
