maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
false alarm, still single
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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