Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
