good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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