The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
