and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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