Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
