life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
