ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
