Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We talked him into tasing himself.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
