dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
