stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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