so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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