I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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