Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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