No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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