You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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