Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
