I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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