College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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