youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
