I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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