He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
