Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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