i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
