I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
