my shit smells like andre
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
