Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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