You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
