Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
