Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
