he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Randomize
