so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
