Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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