i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he puts the penis in happiness.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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