How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
