Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my being single is dangerous.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
