Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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