Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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