Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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