wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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