Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize