So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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