My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
