I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
