I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
