seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
