I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
