I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
