I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
