oh god the rape fog is back!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
