where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
