Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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