hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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