Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I pour the whiskey from now on
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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