so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
