uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
