Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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