I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize