i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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